Lessons That Linger: 46. Listening-My Known Weakness, 08 10 2025

Listening -My Known Weakness, 08 10 2025

Despite conscious efforts I am a bad listener. The three symptoms of my malaise are prematurely judge what the speaker is about to say based on their first few words, preparing my response even as they are speaking, and focusing on substance to lose sight of the emotions of the speaker. You would think this awareness should help me get better, but sadly this has not been the case till now.

Attempt to improve my listening skills has me browsing articles, blogs and even books on how to listen better. Here is a summary of my learnings. Hope writing them down will help me get better. It is also a call for help from others who have successfully conquered it to share what they did.

I found that there are ten different types of listening based on our intent:

1. Inquisitive, where the aim is to learn. Either we have asked a question or a question in our mind is being answered, like listening after asking for direction while travelling.
2. Intentional, where we are listening to learn something new or have a problem to solve, like an automobile mechanic listening to a defective motor to identify the problem.
3. Reflective, where you want your thinking to be validated and see if what you hear fits in with your personal experience
4. Appreciative, to enjoy and savour what you hear, like praise, complements or the post-match analysis showing how good your team was.
5. Critical, where we want to evaluate and refute what the other person is saying, especially when they are not in agreement with us.
6. Selective, where we have a predetermined objective and are filtering out the irrelevant material to hear only what we want to hear
7. Sympathetic, while greeting a person in a social event, where the focus is on emotions of the event and not necessarily the spoken words
8. Empathetic, in situations involving bereavement, where we need to communicate our support with or often without words
9. Passive, doing it as a chore, without participation or involvement. A duty being fulfilled.
10. Active, to be fully engaged and respond only to seek clarifications, and later gently present our views for the speakers’ consideration.

Of the ten listed, I was able to immediately identify where my listening skills are inadequate. In the first five, I believe I am reasonably good, but my challenge is in the second five. Reflecting further, I realize my SIN: of not Suspending judgment, not Interpreting nonverbal clues, and not Nurturing the dialogue with constructive questions.  

I believe listening is not just a desirable skill, but a respect we pay to speakers. In all fairness, just as we want to be heard, we need to hear others. Not mechanically but with full engagement, using our cognitive skills to hear what is said both explicitly and implicitly in words, tone, and body language, emotionally engaging by respecting the speaker sentiment, and displaying our engagement by behavior that effectively conveys interest and involvement.

Till now, I have used only one ear. From now, I need to consciously use both the ears we have been given. Trust you will see a better me, next time.